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Ok…I know these things are silly and that there are a ton of these “fun games” floating around, but I thought this one in particular was funny and amusing so I wanted to share it with you.  Take some time to check out your personalized “statement” and post it in the comments.  I’d love to hear what every one comes up with!  Have fun!

Type out the sentence you end up with…

Pick the month you were born:

January——-I kicked
February——I loved
March——–I karate chopped
April———-I licked
May———-I jumped on
June———- I danced with
July———–I did the Macarena With
August——–I had lunch with
September—- I sang to
October——-I smelled
November—–I yelled at
December—–I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1——-a birdbath
2——-a monster
3——-a phone
4——-a fork
5——-a snowman
6——-a nun
7——-my mobile phone
8——-my dog
9——-my best friend
10——-my neighbor
11——-my science teacher
12——-a banana
13——-a baseball bat
14——-a stuffed animal
15——-a goat
16——-a pickle
17——-your mom
18——-a spoon
19——-a Smurf
20——-a fireman
21——-a ninja
22——- Chuck Norris
23——-a noodle
24——-a squirrel
25——-a troll
26——-my sister
27——-my boss
28——-a homeless guy
29——-a surfer
30——-a football player
31——-a llama

What is the last number of the year you were born:

1——— in my car
2 ——– on a motorcycle
3 ——– in a hole
4 ——– under your bed
5 ——– on your car
6 ——– on a roof
7 ——– in an elevator
8——— at the dinner table
9 ——– in line at the bank
0 ——– in your bathroom

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White——–because I’m cool like that
Black——–because I was drinking tequila, again.
Pink———-because I’m only in it for the good times.
Red———-because the voices told me to.
Blue———because I’m sexy and I do what I want
Green——-because I think I need some serious help.
Purple——-because I’m AWESOME!
Gray———because Big Bird said to and he’s my leader.
Yellow——-because someone offered me 20 dollars
Orange —–because my I saw it on the Internet.
Brown——-because I can.
Other——–because it sounded like a good idea!
None——–because I can’t control myself!

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonde’s aren’t as dumb as most folks think

This is classic!

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!” She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” After a pause, the doctor confessed…..”Not with a carnation.”

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum:

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt ..’

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: ‘Gosh, I remember these.

MEMORY TEST

There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. (Hint:  It will help if you are over 60!)

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was…

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, ‘We have met the enemy and…

A. It’s you
B. He is us
C. It’s the Grinch
D. He wasn’t home
E. He’s really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night David

A. Good nigh Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G Good night Steve

5. You’ll wonder where the yellow went…

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend…

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar…

A. You’re a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I’m telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and..

A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E.20Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
B. It’s time to do your homework
C. It’s Howdy Doody Time
D. It’s Time for Romper Room
E. It’s bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears….

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I’m scared
E. Oh my!!
F. Help! Help!
G. Let’s run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone…

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don’t know
F. Who says, ‘Trust me’
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings…

A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream..

A. Smear it on
B. You’ll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It’s a dream
F. We’re your team
G. A little dab’ll do ya

14. I found my thrill…

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15.. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by…

A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles..

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who..

A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18.. I’m strong to the finish…

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I’m the hero
E.. And don’t you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today…

A. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you’re on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D.. Smile, we’re watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you’re a hit
G. Smile, you’re on TV

20. What do M & M’s do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors

Below are the right answers:

1. D – Wonder Bread
2. G – Cassius Clay
3. B – He Is Us
4. A – Good night, Chet
5. G – When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D – Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C – Pants On Fire
8. F – The American Way
9. C – It’s Howdy Doody Time
10. E – Oh My
11. D – Over 30
12. C – Joe Namath
13. G – A l ittle dab’ll do ya
14. G – On Blueberry Hill
15. B – Mary Martin
16. G – John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D – Who wrote the book of Love
18. B – Cause I eats me spinach
19. A – Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
20. F – Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand

What was your score?

Take the quiz and let me know how you did. 🙂

The car quiz

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . … having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

EFFECTIVE OCTOBER 1, 2008 NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Body Statistics

  • It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
  • One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
  • The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
  • Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
  • A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
  • There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
  • Women blink twice as often as men.
  • The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
  • Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
  • If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

DWA – Domino Web Access you ask??? Well, not quite….more like Driving While Asian!

My son Brandon was telling me about an episode on Family Guy that he thought was hilarious because it was making light of the stereotypical woman Asian driver. I hadn’t seen it so I thought I would look it up on Youtube. We came across this clip (see below) and just died laughing! Now Bruce likes to tease me and says that the clip was made for/about me.

I’d like to think that I am not THAT bad of a driver, although I can vouch that I am not “Speed Racer” and tend to drive on the cautious side. At any rate, I think it is a cute depiction and need to down load the full episode so I can watch it.

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