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Ok…I know these things are silly and that there are a ton of these “fun games” floating around, but I thought this one in particular was funny and amusing so I wanted to share it with you.  Take some time to check out your personalized “statement” and post it in the comments.  I’d love to hear what every one comes up with!  Have fun!

Type out the sentence you end up with…

Pick the month you were born:

January——-I kicked
February——I loved
March——–I karate chopped
April———-I licked
May———-I jumped on
June———- I danced with
July———–I did the Macarena With
August——–I had lunch with
September—- I sang to
October——-I smelled
November—–I yelled at
December—–I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1——-a birdbath
2——-a monster
3——-a phone
4——-a fork
5——-a snowman
6——-a nun
7——-my mobile phone
8——-my dog
9——-my best friend
10——-my neighbor
11——-my science teacher
12——-a banana
13——-a baseball bat
14——-a stuffed animal
15——-a goat
16——-a pickle
17——-your mom
18——-a spoon
19——-a Smurf
20——-a fireman
21——-a ninja
22——- Chuck Norris
23——-a noodle
24——-a squirrel
25——-a troll
26——-my sister
27——-my boss
28——-a homeless guy
29——-a surfer
30——-a football player
31——-a llama

What is the last number of the year you were born:

1——— in my car
2 ——– on a motorcycle
3 ——– in a hole
4 ——– under your bed
5 ——– on your car
6 ——– on a roof
7 ——– in an elevator
8——— at the dinner table
9 ——– in line at the bank
0 ——– in your bathroom

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White——–because I’m cool like that
Black——–because I was drinking tequila, again.
Pink———-because I’m only in it for the good times.
Red———-because the voices told me to.
Blue———because I’m sexy and I do what I want
Green——-because I think I need some serious help.
Purple——-because I’m AWESOME!
Gray———because Big Bird said to and he’s my leader.
Yellow——-because someone offered me 20 dollars
Orange —–because my I saw it on the Internet.
Brown——-because I can.
Other——–because it sounded like a good idea!
None——–because I can’t control myself!

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This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.  I looked away for a couple seconds!  And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.  As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand!  In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs! Splashed, and burned “Big Jim and the Twins”, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.   After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kimosabe, look towards sky; what you see?’

The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?’

‘You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.’

A first grade teacher was talking to her class about the effects of a person who stutters. She explained that they can’t help it and that they are never in any real danger. Just then, Mary raised her hand and said, “Teacher, that’s not true”. The little girl went on….”We had a cat who stuttered. There was a big rotweiler that lived over the fence from our house and we could hear it barking at our cat who liked to tease it by sitting there and stuttering. One day, the dog broke thru the fence and came after our cat. She just sat there with her hair raised and back arched going “Ssssss, Sssss, Sssss”, and before she could say “shit”, the dog ate her”.

The teacher had to leave the room.

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonde’s aren’t as dumb as most folks think

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?’ she asks. I reply 135

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ I say 5 foot 8.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5’2″.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I scream, “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

1.  Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

2.  Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

3.  When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

4.  If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

5.  The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

6.  No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7.  The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors

8.  A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.

9.  Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

10. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

11. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

12. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

13. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

14. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

15. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogies to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

16. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

17. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

18. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

19. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

20. A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are.

21. If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.

22. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

23. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

24. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon.  On the other hand, you don’t get to ride around on a cart and eat hot dogs if you are performing brain surgery!

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.  I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.  But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’ s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.  She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it’s safe to come home.

This is an old video, but still very funny!  Watch out ladies…you never know what to expect when you get pulled over by a cop!

Gotta love the black net stockings and garters!     🙂

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the Windows XP New Joisey Edition may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, youse may need some help unnerstanin da commands. Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin’ screen. It reads: “Windas XP”, wit a background pitcha a Hoboken. When youse start da program, instead a da usual stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It’s also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:

*Recycle bin is labeled “Newark”

*My Computer is called “My Friggin’ Computa”

*The Inbox is referred to as “Da Trunk”

*Deleted items are referred to as “Wacked”, “Erased” or “Rubbed Out”

*Control Panel is known as “The Bosses”

* Performing an “illegal operation” is known as “Enhancin’ da Family Business” and will actually maximize da program instead a shuttin’ it down

*Hard Drive is referred to as “Da Turnpike on Da Way to Da Shore”

*Instead of an error message, “You Ain’t Gonna Friggin’ Believe Dis'” pops up.

Changes in Terminology in Da Joisey Edition:

OK . . . . Sure ting
Cancel . . . . Fugetaboutit
Reset .. . . . Start ova
Yes . . . . Yeah
No . . . . Nah
Find . . . . Put a Contract Out On it
Browse . . . . Get a Looksee
Back . . . . U-Toin
Help .. . . . Get Your Own Friggin’ Ansa
Stop . . . .Knock it Off
Start . . . . Move it
Settings . . . . Here’s da Rules

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the Joisey Edition (not). You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. You gotta problem wit dat?

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