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I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?’ she asks. I reply 135
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ I say 5 foot 8.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5’2″.
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I scream, “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
Here are the top health threats for men and women in the USA:
For all of USA (2005)
1. Heart disease – 26.6%
2. Cancer – 22.8%
3. Stroke – 5.9%
4. Chronic lower respiratory diseases – 5.3%
5. Accidents – 4.8%
6. Diabetes – 3.1%
7. Alzheimer’s disease – 2.9%
8. Influenza and pneumonia – 2.6%
9. Kidney disease – 1.8%
10. Septicemia (blood infections) – 1.4%
Women (2004)
1. Heart disease – 27.2%
2. Cancer – 22%
3. Stroke – 7.5%
4. Chronic lower respiratory diseases – 5.2%
5. Alzheimer’s disease – 3.9%
6. Accidents – 3.3%
7. Diabetes – 3.1%
8. Influenza and pneumonia – 2.7%
9. Kidney disease – 1.8%
10. Septicemia (blood infections) – 1.5%
Men (2004)
1. Heart disease – 27.2%
2. Cancer – 24.3%
3. Accidents – 6.1%
4. Stroke – 5%
5. Chronic lower respiratory disease – 5%
6. Diabetes – 3%
7. Influenza and pneumonia – 2.3%
8. Suicide – 2.2%
9. Kidney disease – 1.7%
10. Alzheimer’s disease – 1.6%
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by Nuts.
Insight from Andy Rooney…
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forth right and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one . You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’, here’s an up date for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
