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The Pacific Northwest According to Jeff Foxworthy
You live in the Northwest if:
1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement ‘sun break’, and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant or to church.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the ‘WALK’ signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it’s not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Veneto ‘s.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Heceta, Yaquina, Yachats, Issaquah, Oregon, Spokane, Yakima, and Willamette .
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by ‘Today’s forecast: Showers followed by rain,’ and ‘Tomorrow’s forecast: Rain followed by showers.’
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see them through the cloud cover.
20. You use the phrase ‘The mountain is out’ when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from ‘heat’ to ‘a/c’ in the same day.
28. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining, Road Construction, and Deer & Elk season.
30. You understood these jokes and will tell your friends.
In this life I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!
George Carlin’s Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80′s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
How many do you remember?
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about .
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Cho Cho bar
2. Drive ins
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soft drink machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or malt shops with table-side juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with foil stoppers
7. Party lines
8. News reels before the movie
10. Blue flashbulbs
11. Telephone numbers with 2 letters and 4 numbers
13. Wash tub wringer
14. 78 RPM records
15. Metal ice trays with lever
17. Cracker night (Bonfire night)
18. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
19. Bread delivered by horse and cart
20. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor
21. Ignition switches on the dashboard
22. Heaters mounted on the inside of the wall
23. Real ice boxes
24. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards
25. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner
If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!
I scored an 8…so I guess I have to admit that I must be getting older!
The center for Disease Control has issued an alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. The virus is called Weary Overload
Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever- DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes: Work Isolation Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!